By mid September, Patrick began making his way back into my life. We set up formal meetings with Preacher Sigley, weekly sessions of marriage counseling and to my surprise, Patrick appeared sincere in making our relationship work.

The house had been completely restored by the end of August. Patrick called in favors, exchanging his time for that of his fellow crew members.

"When can I come home Patrick?" I asked after Sunday dinner with the Sigleys. We were taking a walk along the creek for some moments of privacy.

"That is entirely up to you Jessie."

"I wanted to come back months ago, I'm ready."

"I don't believe you are. You haven't even faced the worst of it yet."

"I'm sorry I don't follow what you mean."

Patrick stopped walking, his dark eyes studied me as if I were a total stranger.

"The fire. Once you remember and come to terms with it, I'll gladly take you back."

"The house burned, I realize most of it was a loss. Please, I'm over it now, take me home." I managed with a sing-song voice.

Patrick bit his lower lip preventing an outburst of temper.

I gazed at him and shook my head. "You want me to let it drop?" I questioned.

He nodded gazing down at the currents whipping a leaf along the water trail.

"I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I've had my fill of the Sigleys and I suspect they feel the same about me."

Patrick fought off a nervous chuckle.

"They've said some things about me right?"

Patrick was now laughing from his gut. "You've never been known to be much of a neat freak is all."

"I suppose not." I admitted, thinking back to the many times Sharp and I would argue over my habits of not picking up after myself and it seemed to worsen later in our relationship. In that regard, Patrick was a patient man that never squabbled about how I left a cluster of messes all around me. The only time he would explode was the moments he could not find something he was searching for, otherwise he didn't waste his time realizing I wasn't about to change.

Patrick took my hand as we turned around on the path to return to the Sigleys. He pulled me into his strong arms and placed his nose into my hair breathing in the fragrance of shampoo. It was the first intimate moment of such in a very long time.

"The preacher thinks you need to begin therapy. He has a doctor friend that lives not too far from here. You could even ride your bike to get there."

"I thought Preacher Sigley was a therapist." I commented recalling the many certificates lining the walls in his office.

"He is, but this thing you're going through is not his specialty. He's more of a marriage counselor. You need some serious help."

"I think the way that everyone is tiptoeing around me is not helping in the situation. Why won't anyone tell me the 'big' secret about the fire?"

Patrick's face shaded in red. It was obvious I said something that upset him.

"Oh come on Patrick!" I said, as he began to hurry away.

"Just see the doctor." Patrick announced as he furthered himself down the path.

__________

On Tuesday I mounted my bike with an address scribbled on a shred of paper. Bette followed me outside and watched as I pedaled down the road. Worry creased her brow and I felt as if I were a fleck under a microscope.

Three miles down county road 620, I pulled into a long and twisting drive. White gravel crunched under the bike tires. I maintained perfect control of the steering thanks to the thick tires of the mountain bike.

Tucked in among tall spruces was a log cabin. The entire layout of the place had a feel of nature. Just by the appearance I felt of surge of peace.

I hurried to the front door and chimes resounded in the gentle breeze. The September day was cool, but tolerable.

I tapped lightly on the door, but no movement was apparent from within.

It was then I noticed a large bell connected to a rope. A sign was posted on the base indicating that if no one was available to answer, to ring several times.

I pulled the rope and the weight from the bell was heavy. It made me wonder about the rope connected to church bells and how someone was responsible for the task of ringing. Unlike the days of our founding fathers I guessed that in the modern world the bells were somehow automated.

A moment later, a wrinkled woman approached from behind the house. Just by her appearance she was interesting. Unlike with many women her age, she wore denims, tennis shoes and a youthful tee shirt. Her face although weather worn seemed kind and compassionate.

"Hi." She said smiling broadly. Her teeth were not dentures, but in perfect shape for someone her age.

"I'm Doctor Klein." She said.

"Jessie, Jessie Wilson." I whispered.

Doctor Klein nodded.

"Suppose we take a walk down to the lake. It's such a magnificent day and I hate to spend a moment indoors with winter so close on our heels."

I nodded then followed behind.

The doctor pulled a small audio cassette recorder form her back pocket and clicked a button. "I hope you don't mind but it aids in helping me keep my patients straight."

"No." I said feeling surprisingly at ease.

"Well good then."

The path was cleared six feet wide enabling us to stroll side by side. The doctor was correct that the day should not be wasted indoors.

"Suppose you tell me a bit about yourself Jessica."

"Please call me Jessie or Jess."

"Sure." The doctor replied.

"What's to tell? I work part time at Ravensview Paints. I've worked there now since I was eighteen years old. It was my first job out of high school. I'm a receptionist and the people there, especially the owner, are wonderful to me."

"What about your family?" Dr. Klein asked.

"I'm married. My husband's name is Patrick." I paused feeling discomfort.

"My father is dead and my mother moved to Florida to share a place with her sister. They sort of look after one another now that they're both widowed."

"Any children?" The doctor asked.

"Children?" I questioned in a quick response.

"Any children with Patrick?"

"No. NO babies with Patrick."

"Why do you suppose you're here?" Dr. Klein asked.

"Everyone says I need to come to grips about the fire. I have. I've lost things, but everything can be replaced. For the life of me, I don't understand what the issues are."

"I see." Dr. Klein responded.

"Tell me about Clarence Sharp."

I stopped on the path and gazed at the doctor in surprise. "How did you...?" I managed speechless.

"The reverend filled me in on everything he knew about your situation."

I nodded, accepting her answer.

"He's a friend of mine. I've known him ever since kindergarten. My first date with him was in the fifth grade. He's a wonderful man, a bit annoying at times, but he's very special to me."

"Is that all there is to it?"

"Sure." I said dismissing the doctor.

"Were you ever intimate with him?"

I suddenly felt a tinge of embarrassment. "I moved in with Sharp just after my father took ill. He was unbearable when healthy and once he took sick he only worsened. Although my mother was angry at me for my choice of living with Sharp, I was eighteen and there wasn't much she could do about it."

"Were you ever intimate with him?" The doctor asked again.

"Sure we were intimate. Not at first though... we were great friends, Sharp and I. The entire idea was to be room mates, sharing expenses and everything. He understood how abusive my father had been and wanted nothing more than to save me from that horror."

"Why did you ever leave Sharp if you loved him so much?"

"Oh..." I said as a smile pursed my lips. "As wonderful as Sharp could be, he could be a major pain in the neck. Almost worse than my own mother at nagging. I've never been good about picking up after myself. It was the one flaw in our relationship, especially after..... after..." I said as my stomach wretched in protest.

"I'm not feeling very well all of a sudden." I said finding it difficult to breathe. I slithered down to the grass and began gasping for air.

Dr. Klein leaned in and placed her hand upon my shoulder.

"It's okay Jessie.... let it pass for now.... it's okay."

I stood and my body convulsed savagely.

"Why don't we sit here a bit." Dr. Klein said in a soothing tone.

She positioned herself on the ground folding her legs in a comfortable fashion. I followed suit, but my body was stiff and awkward.

"I don't understand what's happening to me. Up until this moment I believed I hadn't a problem in this world."

"And now?" Dr. Klein asked.

"Now I'm not so sure."

"What do you remember about the fire?" Dr. Klein managed in a non-threatening tone.

"The fire." I whispered, not liking the mention of it.

"Just tell me as much as you're comfortable with."

"I remember working extra hours that afternoon. I realized Patrick was none too thrilled about it either. He's always resented me working, even part time. Since we had some unexpected bills to pay, I decided to fill in for Kathy who worked the afternoon rotation at the front desk."

Dr. Klein nodded.

"I phoned Sharp around ten o'clock."

"You were still in contact with Sharp then?"

"Yes, I guess I was... I phoned him."

"Why did you need to speak with him?"

"I needed to ask him a favor. I was working the extra hours and needed his help."

"His help with what?" Dr. Klein asked studying my face with scrutiny.

I stopped, feeling a surge of frustration. "I don't recall anything specific about it at the moment."

"Did he agree to help you?"

I chuckled. "Sure. Sharp would walk to the ends of the earth for me if I'd let him."

"He's a good man then?" Dr. Klein asked.

"The best man I've ever met. The only man I'd ever consider....." I choked up not finishing the sentence.

Dr. Klein changed the subject. "Tell me about your relationship with Patrick."

"I met him when I was still with Sharp. Clarence insisted that I get help for all the abuse I suffered when I was growing up. It was a lot of baggage to carry into our relationship. In fact, I think that was behind his hesitation to commit to anything permanent. I'll admit, I was a mess."

"Oh?"

"My dad thought mom and I were punching bags. It was a horrible thing to do to us. So I joined a support group at the Christian church for adults trying to deal with abuse during childhood. That's where I met Patrick. Where Sharp was ignorant to the brutalities that I had suffered, Patrick understood. He understood because his mother's live in boyfriend beat the tar out of him."

"Patrick and I started getting together after the weekly meetings. I don't know, there was something dark about him that gripped me. It wasn't until it was too late that I realized he reminded me a lot of my father. Maybe the appeal was trying to win over his love and in the end obtaining some approval that I was missing."

"Pretty good analyzing, Jessie."

"Thanks, I've had plenty of time away from him now to mull it over."

"So you left Sharp?" She asked.

"Yes, I did."

"I thought you loved him." Dr. Klein said as a matter of fact.

"I still am in love with him."

"But you left...."

"Yes, I left him."

"Why did you leave?" Dr. Klein whispered.

"I think that life with Sharp was so monotonous. You have to understand, I was accustomed to my surroundings being unstable. It was as if I were balancing on a tight rope for so long, fully prepared to feel the pain as I was forced to the ground...hating the abuse, but also needing it too. Then comes Sharp and I'm suddenly standing on a solid platform. No danger, no instability."

"So you knew Patrick was dangerous then?"

"Yes, no... he promised we'd keep each other in line."

"It didn't work out that way, did it?"

"No. As much as he struggled to be a good person, attending church and everything, there was still that part of him that was destined to be an abuser. I'd be lying if I didn't admit part of me pushed his buttons, sort of forcing the issue. He'd hit me after we'd only been married a little bit. It was all down hill after that point. It was when he threatened to hurt......" I choked up again not able to finish the sentence.

"To hurt who?"

"I put my foot down. I refused to ruin any more lives with the cycle of abuse."

Dr. Klein nodded. "I think we've done enough for today. Let's walk around the lake and cleanse our minds along with our bodies, shall we?"

____________

I noticed the Camaro lagging behind as I glided around the corner. A moment later, Sharp's music filtered through and I gripped my brakes skidding to a halt.

"Hello Jessie!" Sharp said pulling his mirrored glasses down to make eye contact.

"Sharp." I said disturbed by his presence for some unknown reason.

"I thought I'd swing by and see how you were doing. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you've been getting along."

"I'm seeing a therapist." I said as a matter of fact.

"Are you okay with that?"

"I just left there a few minutes ago. She's easy to talk to."

"I'm glad." Sharp said.

"Did you drive all this way just to check on me?"

"No. I had some wiring to pick up and this wasn't too much further."

"How's business these days?"

"Going strong as always. My reputation has gotten around I guess."

I nodded as I began to ride off. Instead of Sharp turning around and driving away, he followed slowly behind. After riding a mile or so, I pulled to the rim of the county road. Sharp parked his car leaving it in the middle of the street, then sprinted to my side. He pulled me into his embrace and it felt wonderful to be held so tight, held without condition.

"I wish I could just take this all away for you." Sharp whispered.

"I know." I said beginning to cry.

My lips fell upon his and we kissed in a fit of passion. It was Sharp that pulled away first. His expression was serious, reflecting agonizing concern. "I'm sorry Jessie, this isn't the right time, nor the right circumstance."

I nodded appreciating the fact that above everything he was a gentleman.

"My heart feels heavy Sharp. I feel a weight and somehow it's connected to you. I feel such an overwhelming emptiness, do you understand?" I said in a desperate plea, my voice cracking.

"More than you realize Jess."

"Just hold me." I said as Sharp pulled me into him.

"Ah Jessie." He whispered, his hot breath tickling my neck.

We stood there like that in a graceful sway as if music were playing in a frequency that only we could hear. Cars passed and we must have been a sight. Neither of us moved though, I needed to feel his presence, his forgiveness for everything that I had put him through.

Bette finally rode up on her 1950's balloon tire bicycle. "I was worried about you." She said breaking us away from the trance.

Sharp stepped back from me, his eyes reflecting grief. He said a quick hello to Bette then hurried back to his car driving away.

"I wish you wouldn't have anything to do with that man until you get things resolved with your husband."

"It's none of your business Bette." I said, fighting off the urge to really give her a piece of my mind.

"I feel an obligation to report this to Sig and to Patrick. They have every right to know you've been seeing Clarence."

"I haven't been seeing Clarence, not that it's any of your business. I haven't been around him in weeks! He was just checking on me. I told him about starting therapy today and he was giving me some comfort."

"I noticed how he was giving you comfort and believe me when I say it wasn't at all proper."

"Is that all that matters to you is how things appear?" I snapped.

I mounted my bike and began to ride off in a huff.

When I pulled into the yard at the Sigleys around nightfall, Patrick was on the front porch swaying on the swing. The Sigley's were not at home since it was Tuesday, the night of the prayer meeting at church.

"I almost believed you'd run off again Jess." Patrick said as I tilted the bike against an oak tree.

He stood as I hurried to his side, brushing a quick kiss on his left cheek. Patrick almost appeared embarrassed by my show of affection. He was never very comfortable with public displays as such.

We both sat on the swing avoiding eye contact.

"The preacher said you went to the therapist today. How did it go?"

I paused taking a deep breath. "It's a bit more difficult than I imagined it would be."

"Do you like Dr. Klein, I mean, do you think she can help you?"
"Yeah. I think she probably can."

Patrick nodded, but there was something weighing heavy, on his mind.

"I'm glad." He whispered.

"Just so you don't hear from it Bette or Sig, Sharp swung over to check on me today."

I watched as Patrick clenched his fists. "What did Clarence have to say to you?"

"Nothing really. He was very supportive is all."

"You know how I feel about him chasing after you like he does."

"He's not chasing after me Patrick! He's just my friend. I told you how things were before I married you. I never lied about my feelings for Sharp."

Patrick stood in an abrupt sweep. His pivoted on his feet and pointed his finger in a rage. I had made him angry.

"I will not sit around playing second fiddle to that man! It was bad enough he gave you something I never could. Now that things have ended up like they have, you've got to turn your back on him. I swear Jessie, I won't put up with it, no man in his right mind would!"

Feeling a surge of adrenaline, I stood and hurried past. I could hear Patrick running to catch up. I felt his hand grip around my upper arm. The squeeze was hard, the tug was rough.

"Jessie. Stop seeing him, do you understand me?" Patrick said shaking me.

"Knock it off!" I spat at him.

"Like heck I will." Patrick said raising his hand to hammer my face.

He paused there a moment, his hand in mid air and his eyes focused on his hand, on his abusive fist. Thinking about what he intended, he released my arm, then flung me to the ground.

"Maybe you should just stay here. Maybe we'd all be better off if you never remembered."

Patrick stormed off to his truck, then drove off like a wild man. I laid on the grass and wept, my heart overwrought with emotion and for the first time since the fire, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss.